Essentials:

You might be a Game Artist IF…..

I dug this out of an old email that I got way back in the year 2000 from one of my buddies at Blizzard.

If you think all professional athletes are “gay” because they slap each others butts.
 
You think football is for “fags”.
 
You spend a lot of time sitting around going “I can’t believe they pay me this much to do this”.
 
You think Cyber-Athletes are real athletes.
 
You are going to “get your portfolio together someday”
 
Your whole portfolio of consists of art 128×128 pixel size.
 
You think you are a real artist.

You ruin movies by pointing out stupid shit like motion blurs or camera angles like you know what the fuck you are talking about.
 
If you stand for more than 10 minutes you get dizzy.
 
You can’t run
 
You buy “THE ART OF……” any single stupid sci-fi movie ever made.
 
You are now legally blind.
 
You went to the Art Institute for two years and now you are paid like a doctor or lawyer.
 
You have a pin-up of Lara Croft or some other game slut with huge polygon breasts.
 
You get a chubber when you look at Lara Crofts polygonal butt.
 
People refer to you using your Quake name.
 
You have some lame saying at the bottom of your auto signature that you think makes you seem cerebral and smart and you are really just a dumb ass.
 
You think you are just like Neo from the Matrix and it is cool to be pasty and pale and sit in front of your computer all day and night. Even though he had muscles and you are a fat pig.

The only people who get laid less than you are the programmers on the game you are working on.
 
You think taking pictures of rusty metal or paint chipped walls, scanning them into Photoshop and making it “tillable” is doing art and you feel the need to put a tutorial up on some lame ass web site explaining just how it is that you managed to pull this magical feat off.
 
Your tits look like hot water bottles and you are a 24 year old male.
 
You think that you and people like George Lucas or Spielberg are in the same industry.
 
You tell people you have been staying late at work busting ass when all you are doing is sitting on your fat ass playing Quake 3 until 1am.
 
You think you could be working at ILM or PIXAR if you would just “get your stuff together.”
 
You think you are a bad ass by pointing out bad animations in stuff like Saturday morning cartoons.

You show your friends your new Spawn toy that you bought this weekend and display it all neatly on top of your  monitor like it is really something to be proud of that you are 30 and buy kids toys.
 
You constantly debate meaninglesss bullshit like “Elian” by SPAM e-mail like anyone give a rats ass what the hell you think. You are a texture artist….shut the hell up.
 
You call programmers nerds and you are wearing and Age of Empires shirt.
 
If you were in any other field you would be starving.
 
You spend half the day with your headphone wire wrapped around you chair wheels and your ankles because you are too lazy and fat to get up and do anything about it.
 
When you draw with real pencil and paper you keep reaching for the Undo option.
 
Every piece of art you do you think “this might look better with a skull on it”.
 
You think coming to work with dyed hair when your 27 and wearing a “FUCK YOU” t-shirt is cool but you are really just an asshole.
 
You want to punch everyone in the face  who says to you “I wish I could just sit around and play games for a living” and make them sit at your desk for 12 hours a day and try to make good looking art in a 64×128 space while working on a game that should of been out the door a year ago, while the designer changes the whole game around every other month.
 
You own 6 Giger books you never look at but look cool on your book shelf.
 
You think you are the only one secretly trying to flirt with the receptionist over e-mail.
 
You love to bitch about things like the enviroment while you sit around all day with airconditioning blowing up your ass.
 
You would wait an hour for an elevator before walking one flight of steps.
 
If you are a 2d man you think all 3d artists are not really artists, but you are because you use Photoshop.
 
If you are a 3d man you think you are a real artist because you went to school for 18 months and learned how to move polygons around and that you are soon going to replace texture artists with the latest version of Texture Creator.
 
You are some day going to own your own game company and do this shit right!
 
You think you are going to make Brom your bitch when you get your new Wacom.
 
You ICQ someone sitting right next to you because you are a social moron and can’t talk.
 
You think shiny Eyecandy bevels really do look good in some rusty metal textures.
 
You think you are “old school” because you paint with the mouse only.
 
You think your rusty metal texture is original.

 

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